CHRISTINE: I always like to bring other stuff, because sometimes they're not happy with what I bring, But I still want to feed them, so.

(voiceover): It's always tough when I haven't seen them for a while, and I didn't get a visit the past month.

When I tell them that it was because of the office, or decisions made in the office, my worker will get upset, but I'm not gonna let them think that it was my decision, or that I didn't wanna see them, because it's not my decision.

I'll take anything I can get, though.

(voiceover): So my social worker, one time when I went to visit my kids, had made a comment about me not wearing makeup that day, because for a long time, I used to be that person that wouldn't leave the house without makeup on, just because of insecurities, and stuff like that.

And so she had been used to seeing me with makeup on all the time, and one day I went without makeup, and she just asked me a million questions, and was like, "Are you feeling all right?

Are you okay?"

Like, because I didn't put makeup on that day.

So now, I make sure that I go to my visits with makeup on.

That works for me.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (gasps) Hi!

I missed you so much!

CHLOE: I missed you, too!

I didn't even think we were going to have a visit today.

CHRISTINE: I know, right?

I'm so happy to see you.

EMMA: I thought you left me.

Left me forever.

CHRISTINE (voiceover): That was a really good visit.

There were a lot of comments about how it's been too long since the last one.

It's nice that, that they miss me, too.

I'd rather be missed than not wanted.

But yeah, we had a really good time, playing together and stuff.

I mean, I leave a visit, and I'm happy that I saw them, but it's just sad that it's so, so short.

Um, like I'm thankful I get any time with them at all.

That's great.

It's just very sad.

BRIDGET: Everyday Miracles, this is Bridget.

Hi, Jessica.

I just walked into the building.

(chuckles) So where are you?

(indistinct chatter over phone) So what I'm gonna do is see if there's a bed available, that'll be able to accommodate all your needs.

So let me follow through with them, and with all luck, you get pulled for a meeting shortly, okay?

All right, hon, stay tight, no problem, bye-bye-- ooh!

(indistinct chatter) So I thought a way to get comfortable a bit is sharing certain things that we've gone through.

We've gone through so many things, and I don't think a lot of people understand whether or not we chose to do certain things, there were reasons.

Can we identify today in our recovery what a key factor was that maybe led us into substance abuse?

Domestic violence.

BRIDGET: DV.

- Oh, that's a good one.

WOMAN: And I have mental illness, too, so.

BRIDGET: Mental illness-- this isn't a choice, guys.

This is our situation.

I think I just fell into the wrong crowd.

BRIDGET: Absolutely-- people, places and things.

And I just started drinking, and drinking, and drinking.

WOMAN: And of course it's hereditary.

My brother's an alcoholic.

BRIDGET: Yes, then you've got the hereditary.

Absolutely-- depression, anxiety, alcoholism.

WOMAN: At age ten, I was sexually abused, and then was continued to be abused over the threat that he was gonna hurt my sisters.

BRIDGET: So now I start using to cover this up.

WOMAN: So at 11, you know, at ten, I picked up food, but at 11, it was alcohol.

And the game was on.

I was afraid to tell my mother.

I didn't tell anyone.

BRIDGET: Okay, seclusion and silence.

In stuffing that, I literally picked up; I didn't learn this until last year.

At age ten, I picked up a baseball bat and continued to beat myself... - Oh.

- ...mentally.

And because of that behavior, I settled for less throughout my life.

I attracted more abusive men.

I put up with more abuse.

BRIDGET: So lack of self-esteem.

WOMAN: Yeah.

BRIDGET: Lack of worth, self-worth.

WOMAN: I thought I deserved it.

BRIDGET: Oh, yeah.

How many tries did you have to attempt to be able to have that spiritual awakening that these things are factors, and that you need to make a change and start up here?

I was told that you will not see grandchildren if you don't straighten out, yeah.

My bags were packed.

All the bottles were laid out on the table when I got home from work.

And I thought the bottles were hidden, but there were like 50 of them.

WOMAN: 50?

And they were all on the table, and the kids were all home from college, and that was it.

I knew I had to find a way.

BRIDGET: Right.

- I just didn't know how.

BRIDGET: Right.

If you guys wanna end it with some breathing techniques, and kind of ground us again, because we've been talking for a little bit.

Take a deep breath in.

Slowly, deep breath in your nose.

Pause.

And then exhale out your mouth.

(inhaling): So, in your nose.

Hold it.

(exhaling): Out your mouth.

Do about three, four more.

Should feel yourself starting to really feel better.

Ooh!

All right.

- All right.

- That was good.

BRIDGET: It does, right?

Thank you, guys.

You guys did awesome.

There's coffee if you want any coffee.

We got some cake... ♪ ♪ JANIS: You know what, I'll go down through City Hall maybe?

REBECCA: Yeah?

JANIS: Around that way.

And then over.

Sometimes if I'm looking for certain people, and they don't have a phone, I just go by there, and sometimes you can, you know, locate them.

REBECCA: Yeah.

So hopefully Blanca went right over.

JANIS: I hope she did, because the last time she told me she, I went to meet her, she wasn't there.

But I always liked her.

So we'll see.

REBECCA: Yeah.

Do you just ask her, do you wanna go to detox?

JANIS: I go, "How's everything?"

And she goes, "Not good."

And then she said, "I really wanna go to Washburn, "but I gotta wait till the first of the month "to get my ID."

I go, "Let's go over and get it right now."

REBECCA: Yeah.

JANIS: Because she said she needed the money.

That's what she was referring to, I believe.

So I don't know if she expected that, so let's see, we're gonna see.

REBECCA: Yeah, hopefully she's over here.

JANIS: Hopefully, she made it.

REBECCA: Yeah.

JANIS: We've been trying to get this girl for the longest time.

The last time I sent her, she went, and then it just, we lost her.

So I don't want to lose her.

REBECCA: Yeah, no.

- You know?

- I don't think she has a phone.

AGENT: So I need a phone number for the check.

REBECCA: Um, seven-seven-six, one-four-six-four-zero.

Six-four-zero, yup.

I'm Rebecca, I'm the owner of that.

We're gonna give you a new wardrobe, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do that.

♪ I got my ID!

I got my ID!

♪ Yay!

Good job!

Beautiful.

Awesome.

And she give me the receipt.

You know what?

If you're comfortable, if you're comfortable, I would like to take a picture, so that way, if you ever lost it, and trying to get into Washburn, they will take a picture of That.

JANIS: So wanna head outside?

REBECCA: So yeah, we'll go outside.

(indistinct chatter) So, Janis' number, and my number.

And all we can do is, like, keep trying, Blanca.

That's it, like, I checked in 150 times, so.

JANIS: Imagine that.

REBECCA: The 151st time could be that time.

So just like keep trying, man.

JANIS: She did 150.

Looking forward to it.

BLANCA: Me too.

JANIS: You know, seeing you tomorrow.

You might not recognize me tomorrow.

BLANCA: Aw, Janis.

JANIS: I'm gonna be in my civilian clothes, okay?

BLANCA: Aw, Janis!

That beautiful face!

JANIS: See you, okay, take care!

BLANCA: Thank you!

REBECCA: Okay, God bless you.

JANIS: No, God bless you.

I'm proud of you.

I'm so proud of you.

You made this step.

This was a first step.

BLANCA: Thank you for my ID!

JANIS: Yes, awesome.

See you later!

Take care!

Look it, like, this is a big step.

REBECCA: Yes.

- Her getting the ID, huge.

- Huge, yeah.

JANIS: So, you know.

REBECCA: Especially for someone who's, like, actively using, and they're like yeah, "Yeah, I wanna get my ID so I can go into treatment," like, we need to be available and respond.

So important.

JANIS: Right, so that way, the registry was right there.

That's why I feel like things do happen for a reason.

You gotta do it right at that time.

- Yes.

- Because you get get such a small window, you know?

Good way to start my weekend.

- There's no waiting.

(car door shuts) REBECCA: Most people would have had a different approach with Blanca, like, why you gonna wait until tomorrow to go to detox?

Go right now.

And our approach is a lot different, like, we meet people where they're at, physically, mentally, emotionally.

She made that decision that she wants to go tomorrow, and that's a big decision for someone of... oh!

JANIS: Call it in-- wait, I gotta call it in.

SO25, I'm on Main and Wellington.

(door slams) Hey, stop!

REBECCA: Oh my goodness.

JANIS: Put that down right now!

REBECCA: This is a rough area.

MAN 1: He just attacked me!

JANIS: What?

MAN 1: He just attacked me.

Ripped my shirt, pulled my hair.

JANIS: Get over here.

Get over here.

REBECCA: They're coming.

MAN 1: (bleep) JANIS: Stay right here.

What the hell's going on?

MAN 2: I'll tell you what's going on!

JANIS: Stand by over here.

MAN 2: (bleep) bit me!

MAN 1: You kept punching me!

MAN 2: I restrained you!

(crosstalk) JANIS: What have you got for wounds?

MAN 2: He (bleep) bit me here.

He bit me on my (bleep) finger again.

JANIS: Do you need medical attention, sir?

Okay then.

I'm gonna summons you guys in for this, so you can tell the clerk magistrate.

Okay guys, thank you so much.

Oh.

REBECCA: I, hey.

(laughing): I locked the doors, and rolled up the windows!

JANIS: I, see, I forget you're not my partner.

I'm like, "Call that in!"

'Cause if you have a partner, that's it, one calls it in, one jumps out, now I'm trying to call it in, jump out of my car.

Okay, so you can make that incident.

It's actually, it occurred at Charlton Street and Main.

So I don't know what the address was that you had.

And I'm just gonna, I got the information, and I'm gonna summons them both in.

And by the way, I got blood all over my hands.

REBECCA: Oh.

Um.

Oh my goodness.

JANIS: So, uh, crap.

Let me see if these guys have anything.

REBECCA: Yeah, I was just gonna say.

Maybe one of them has something.

JANIS: Hey.

You guys don't have any kind of wipes?

Anybody got anything?

I got blood all over my hands.

♪ ♪ CHRISTINE: So when I was a kid growing up, I had a lot of trauma; a lot of sexual abuse, and emotional abuse in my family and my household.

My family had insisted that I made up the abuse, kind of framing me as this dramatic girl, or this troubled girl.

Once I kind of hit puberty, I had decided for myself that I really didn't want to live like that anymore.

And I had my first suicide attempt when I was 14.

So I ended up in DSS.

A lot of placements I went to were also abusive.

I remember, like, being young, and like being stuck in places, like locked treatment centers and stuff like that, and just being so hopeless, you know, and being subjected to abuse, nobody will listen to me, so I'd just tell myself all the time, like, if it becomes like too much for me to handle, then maybe I'll just kill myself by the end of the day.

And telling myself that kind of gave me an out, like well, if it's just too overwhelming, then I don't have to be here, and I don't have to deal with it, and that was like the little bit of control that I could give myself where I actually had none.

And I carried that mentality into adulthood.

You know, with my kids' dads, I thought I was getting into good relationships, and then was quick to find out that I didn't, and there was domestic violence and what have you, and I went right back to that habitual pattern of thinking that, "Oh, if this just gets to be too much, I'll just check out."

♪ ♪ So I can understand why my kids were taken; my last suicide attempt four years ago.

And by right, they had to be taken.

I wasn't in the right state of mind.

I wasn't being a safe mom, a good mom, at that time.

What I didn't expect was for me to go get help, and change everything about myself, my entire way of thinking and operating, behaving in life, and finally finding, you know, happiness, and that hope that I had lacked for years, and then being told that it's still not okay, I'm not okay.

Being told that, you know, I can't share my newfound happiness with my family.

♪ ♪ BLANCA: I'm tired of living like this.

Listen, I'm tired of living like this.

I'm tired.

Women like this, like her and Janis, the officer, Officer Janis.

REBECCA: She's coming down to see you, too.

BLANCA: I love her.

I love her.

REBECCA: She's great, right?

BLANCA: You're great, too.

You're one of the most greatest people I have ever met.

REBECCA: Thank you, Blanca.

BLANCA: Even if I lose, I don't want you to think it's your fault.

REBECCA: I wouldn't hold onto that, but I will tell you that whenever you need anything, I am here.

BLANCA: I know that.

REBECCA: I wanna be able to support both of you through this.

BLANCA: Tell Janis I say I love her.

REBECCA: She's coming.

She'll be here in a few.

BLANCA: I wanna see her.

I wanna see her.

REBECCA: She had to watch her grandkids, but she'll be here in probably, like, half an hour.

BLANCA: Janis?

REBECCA: Yeah.

Yup.

BLANCA: Will!

Glad to see you, baby.

JANIS: You know, you really can't force anyone to do what they don't want to, and if she's not ready, she's not ready.

REBECCA: No.

JANIS: So.

REBECCA: And we'll try again.

In just the hopes that, like, you know, Wednesday, she'll wanna go.

And if she doesn't, that's okay.

And we'll try again on Thursday, or whatever day she wants.

JANIS: Right.

REBECCA: Not going to force you to go today.

What's that going to do?

Make me happy?

She needs to make herself happy.

♪ ♪ So, I got the psych eval.

They assessed my likelihood to attempt suicide again.

They said that I was in a subclinical range.

"Ms. Maider was not experiencing any form "of psychotic disorder, "she appeared free of any disturbance "of her thought processes, and was without any evident "delusional patterns of thought or compulsive behaviors, "and that these scores were at or slightly below scores typically obtained from a nonclinical population."

TARA: Which is good.

CHRISTINE: Yeah.

Now I'm on par with regular other people walking around today.

And it was nice because he put at the bottom that even though it was sad how I had coped with that trauma over the years, the people that go through the kind of things that I've been through normally react with substance use, and have a lot of behaviors because of substance use, and so I think, I don't know-- that's really validating to me.

Yeah, we have such a reactive society, and such a victim blaming society, so it's nice when somebody is able to look at all of you.

CHRISTINE: Yeah, yeah.

They did tell me, and it is on my service plan as well, that I have to be able to understand the impact my suicide attempt had on my kids.

You know, that is something I've actively worked on in therapy for years, so.

Like yeah, I understand exactly how it affected them.

Like, that's the reason I haven't had them for four years, and all of this has gone on, like, I might not like the things that DCF has done, or how long this has gone on, but at the end of the day, like, I invited them in.

You know?

If I just didn't have that suicide attempt that day, like, this wouldn't be happening, so.

Like, I'm very aware.

(chuckling): It falls back on me, so.

TARA: That's a huge statement.

I mean, that statement in itself speaks volumes, at least to me.

- Yeah.

- Of the work that you've done.

Not many people can say that.

Well, actually, I had my first home visit with my new worker, and she had said to me that the only big concern DCF had was that I'm single.

- Oh wow.

- And, yup.

I'm single, and how could I take care of all my kids by myself.

That sounds like a lot.

And I just said that what I do right now with my daily life, if I could replace, you know, the time I spend at court, and at the office, and all that with my kids instead, (chuckling): I think that'd be okay, so.

- She actually said that?

- Yeah.

Their concern is that you're single?

Yeah, so that's, I don't know.

My first thought-- and, like, I was taught in recovery that your first thought is just terrible, and you should go with your second thought.

So, like, my first thought was like, "Oh, I should probably find somebody to date, then."

And then I was like, that's ridiculous.

Second thought.

Like, when am I gonna go on a first date, and be like, "Would you like to help me "raise my children?"

Like, that's not, that's not okay.

The reality is you need a support system.

You don't need a partner.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

(sewing machines whirring) (press clanking) ♪ ♪ CHRISTINE (voiceover): When your kids get taken, you get given a service plan.

A Family Action Plan.

I take a lot of work home, after I leave my job, because I miss so many hours doing stuff that I need to get done for DCF, whether it's my therapy, kids' therapy.

So for me to get 40 hours, I need to stay up late working, and kind of make up the difference wherever I can.

♪ ♪ HUNTER: Truth or dare.

CHRISTINE: Truth or dare?

- Mm-hmm.

I'm no good at truth or dare.

Okay, okay.

Truth.

Every time.

Is it true that you like Marls?

CHRISTINE: Mr. Marls?

I love Mr. Marls so much.

- I love him, too.

Truth or dare.

- Truth.

♪ No, you gotta do dare at least one time ♪ CHRISTINE: Maybe I don't want to do your dares.

Truth or dare!

Okay.

Truth or dare me.

- Truth or dare?

HUNTER: Dare.

CHRISTINE: I dare you to let me tickle you for ten seconds.

- Fine.

- Fine?

Okay.

- Ready?

- Yeah.

(Hunter squeals) BOTH: One, two, three, four five, six seven, eight, nine, ten!

That was a good one.

HUNTER: No!

Truth or dare.

Truth or dare.

CHRISTINE: Me?

HUNTER: Yeah.

Truth or dare.

CHRISTINE: Dare.

HUNTER: I dare you, so we can do that challenge when I put something weird on a spoon and then I put it in your mouth.

Okay, we're totally doing this right now.

- We're doing it!

- We're doing it.

Ready.

HUNTER: Where's your spoons?

CHRISTINE: A little one or I don't want to play.

- Fine!

- You can't do anything too, too gross, and...

I need a blindfold.

I got it.

All right, ready?

HUNTER: Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- Close your eyes in the blindfold, okay?

CHRISTINE: Yes.

HUNTER: Check if you can see through it-- can you?

CHRISTINE: No.

HUNTER: So close your eyes in the blindfold just in case you're lying.

CHRISTINE: You're killing me.

I'm really scared.

HUNTER (laughing): Oh, my God!

CHRISTINE: The suspense is more terrifying than anything else.

HUNTER: You have to do it.

This is gonna be pretty gross.

CHRISTINE: I'm terrified.

HUNTER: Don't be too scared.

Mom!

You ready?

Three, two, one.

Open your mouth.

CHRISTINE: Can I smell it first?

- No.

- I wanna smell it.

- It just dripped on you.

- I don't care.

(Hunter laughing) (mouth full): What is it?

- It's ranch!

- Oh.

A mouthful, though.

- It's fine, it's ranch.

- Petey likes it.

CHRISTINE: Give me something good.

- I'm looking.

- You're looking?

HUNTER: I'm looking.

This is gonna be so gross.

CHRISTINE: I'm terrified.

(bag crinkling) Here.

Open your mouth.

CHRISTINE: What is that?

It's Reese's Pieces with candy cane.

No way.

Aw, you're so sweet to me.

Thank you very much.

♪ ♪ (indistinct chatter) ♪ ♪ (indistinct chatter) DERRICK: I just want to thank you guys all coming down.

Thank you, guys, for volunteering.

We're gonna start a group over here, and that group is gonna go hit the serious areas, so it's gotta be 21 and over for that group.

The main group will be established by Jay, raise your hand, and Becky; so if you guys will follow them the 21 and over group, and then I'm gonna establish a group here for me and the children, and we're just gonna clean all around in the common, okay?

(applause) And Becky, if you'd like to come on out and say something, for work and what you do.

I just wanna say that I am so proud of Derrick and Fresh Start and everything that you guys are doing.

Our community needs this so bad.

Um, Janis and I, we do an addiction recovery program with the Worcester Police.

She's an officer.

And just being able to break the stigma, you know, I have multiple arrests with the Worcester Police, and now I have keys and an office there, and you know, just being able to help out in the community, show that compassionate care.

Fresh Start is amazing, doing huge things in our community, so thank you.

(applause) JANIS: You know, I work with Rebecca closely, and I know, you know, I feel like we're right now, the community's starting to know us, and... (applause) We appreciate you!

We appreciate you!

I just wanna remove stigma!

DERRICK: We appreciate you, girl.

You know, people are people, and that's it.

Thank you very much, guys, for listening.

(applause) REBECCA: We're thinking we'll take a left, and then come down Salem, and then go over by the Hub.

The Hub is gonna be where, like, there's a lot of garbage, needles.

If you find any needles, please alert me or Becky, and we'll pick 'em up-- safety first.

REBECCA: Lookit.

Oh, oh.

You don't wanna touch that.

The last time I got arrested was right over here.

And in City Hall, in that bathroom, that's the last place that I got high, was in City Hall bathroom.

(chuckles) And I've been in recovery ever since.

VOLUNTEER: What was the final moment?

REBECCA: I got detained by the judge.

Yeah, yeah.

And he said, "Seven day detox.

MCI-Framingham."

Um, he showed a lot of compassionate care, and empowered me to, like, do better.

So, and now I work with him.

VOLUNTEER: That's awesome, wow.

REBECCA: Yeah!

Who would have ever expected?

(laughing) VOLUNTEER: That's awesome.

REBECCA (voiceover): On June 15 of 2014, I was on the train going from Worcester to Framingham.

I had just bought some heroin, and I went into the bathroom to get high, and that was the last thing I remember.

And a few days later, I woke up in I.C.U.

And the doctor came over, and she said, "You're lucky to be alive.

"You overdosed and died on the train, "and you were revived by CPR and Narcan, "and you have eight broken ribs from people on the train doing CPR."

And she said, "I'm not gonna give you any pain meds, and you're medically cleared for discharge."

I had a johnny top on, and I had these little black shorts, and what ended up happening was when I had died, I had peed my pants.

I had asked, like, "Do you have any donations?"

And they're like, "No, we don't have anything."

So the next day, I had a 2:00 P.M. hearing, at Worcester court.

And the judge said, "Seven day MCI-Framingham detox."

So I did the seven days, I came back to Worcester court, and they were going to release me to the Queen Street Shelter, and my father stands up in the courtroom, and he says, "Your Honor, "I'm her father, can I say something?"

And the judge was like, "Absolutely."

And he goes, "That's my daughter.

"She just overdosed and died a week-and-a-half ago, and if you release her today, I'm gonna bury her."

And the judge said, "Say no more.

"You're detained until we find you 'a bed and a program.'"

And, you know, and that's when I surrendered to my life, and my addiction.

And when the judge released me to go to this program, he said, "When you get your six months, I want you to show me."

And he said, "I believe in you, and I wanna see you do this."

And that meant the world to me, that, like, a judge who had full control over my life wanted to see me do good, and he, like, empowered me.

So when I got my six months, I go into the courtroom, and I showed him my six months, and he gave me a big hug.

And he said, "Congratulations.

"When you get your seven months, I want you to come back here, and I want you to show me," and he did that for the first year.

He became the Worcester Recovery Drug Court judge.

And he says he used me as his model on compassionate care.

And I ended up becoming a recovery coach in that same E.R., and meeting with people in the same I.C.U.

room that I was in.

♪ ♪ BRIDGET: You can take all four in the bathroom and try them on, and pick two or three of them.

We don't know until we know, and then we just get over it and move on.

Hello, Juanita.

It's Bridget.

I'm dealing with a client that happens to be at the Charles Faris right now.

Give me a call back when you get in the office.

Thank you so much.

(voiceover): I went against the grain since a very young age.

Pregnant by 16, made to have an abortion, living with my grandmother.

Then that following year, I was successfully pregnant again.

Selling pot, selling cocaine.

Dealing with gangs and other types of people that were into the hardcore life with guns, and... chaos, amongst all else.

Um, and then the day came that I was not exempt, and I absolutely could try, you know, one of those substances that I was selling, and I still was never gonna end up like "those people."

Um... until I did.

♪ ♪ I had a lot of good people in my life, but I chose a completely different way.

I had been granted parole six months into my sentence for armed robbery of a person.

But when the time came, and I was actually granted it, I kind of had that silent moment, and I, I respectfully declined it.

If I wanted to change my life, the only way was to continue doing what I was doing at that time, which was, um, going to classes, going to trainings, going to program, groups.

Doing a lot of self-work inside my cell with self-help books, and journaling, and just trying to find me.

I turned down my parole to find myself, and I found it here.

VOLUNTEER: Join the voice of recovery!

ALL: Together we are stronger!

All right, we're starting.

BRIDGET: We're ready?

Okay.

Sonya, you ready?

VOLUNTEER: The walk is starting!

ALL: Together we are stronger!

VOLUNTEER: Join the voice of recovery!

ALL: Together we are stronger!

VOLUNTEER: Join the voice of recovery!

ALL: Together we are stronger!

REBECCA: Recovery is possible!

BOTH: Together we are stronger!

BRIDGET: Recovery is possible!

VOLUNTEER: Together we are stronger!

ALL: Recovery is possible!

BRIDGET: Good afternoon, everybody!

ALL: Good afternoon!

BRIDGET: This is what I'm talking about.

What a wonderful, exhilarating way to celebrate our recovery.

(applause) Something big that I had to do a long time ago; I wanna say eight years.

When I exited the state penitentiary up in Framingham was to figure out what was wrong with me.

Eight years ago, that was my question.

"What is wrong with me?"

It wasn't a drug, it wasn't my criminal behaviors.

There was something deeper inside of me that had to be addressed.

I found Everyday Miracles, which gave me some sort of a possibility, a purpose in life.

I found myself walking five, six miles to be able to have a paying job instead of stealing from somebody.

I found myself fighting for my children through recovery.

I found myself working on self-esteem, on depression, anxiety.

Empowering ourselves has made it able for me to empower every one of you.

I'm Bridget, and I'm a woman in long-term recovery.

Thank you!

(cheers and applause) (band playing "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now") ♪ We're on the move, I know ♪ ♪ I know, I know ♪ ♪ Ain't no stopping us now ♪ ♪ We got the groove, yes, we got it ♪ ♪ I know you know someone that's had a negative vibe ♪ ♪ And when you try to help 'em they only push you aside ♪ ♪ They really don't have ♪ ♪ Nowhere to go, ask 'em where they're going ♪ ♪ They don't know ♪ ♪ Ain't no!

Stopping!

♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers) No stopping, thank you!

Yeah!

(whistles) (video game noises) CHRISTINE: ♪ Hunter ♪ (video game noises) ♪ Hunter Jacob ♪ HUNTER: Mom!

CHRISTINE: Can you put that down for a second?

So, the girls don't know that I have you on the weekends, and it would really hurt their feelings if they knew that you and I spend weekends together, and they don't get to do that.

So I just think we should keep that to ourselves, and not mention to them anything about us hanging out on the weekend.

Don't mention to them that we went camping together, and... and all this stuff.

Just kinda keep it to yourself, and focus on playing with them today, okay?

(laughs) Thank you.

I know you don't wanna go in there, come on.

Good boy.

You gonna kiss him?

HUNTER: Hi, hi.

Hi.

CHRISTINE: Aw.

HUNTER: We're going.

(door creaks) CHRISTINE: So this is the first time all four kids have been together, seen each other, in well over a year.

Service vehicles only, and Christine.

Stay right here.

(voiceover): DCF always had me doing visits supervised in the DCF office.

(on camera): Come hold my hand.

(voiceover): So my new worker decided that I was kind of overdue for some credit for the work that I've done, and they just told me that I get to have my visits wherever I wanna take them.

It's just nice, like, little things, like just seeing the sun together.

(Hunter crying) CHRISTINE: Aw.

(Hunter yells) CHRISTINE: Don't get frustrated.

It's okay.

(Hunter crying) (crying continues) CHRISTINE: They were super excited when they saw Hunter, and Emma just sprinted right across the park, and they just ran into each others' arms.

(sniffles) It was like a movie.

And she just bawled instantly.

They both cried seeing each other.

They were super, super close to each other.

They're both the oldest, and they've been together the longest, and they miss each other the most.

And it was funny, Hunter said to Chloe, "Oh, Mom said you won't remember me."

And she said, "I remember you."

And he said, "What's my name?"

And she said, "Hunter.

You're my brother."

It was surreal, because I felt like, (voice breaking): like, a real mom, like in public, with my kids, just having fun with all of them at once.

Not that I'm not a real mom, but it doesn't feel like it when you're stuck in a room with people watching you, and it was just nice.

Just to have fun in, like, a normal family setting, and just enjoying each other's company.

(sniffles) It was nice.

I feel, like, this close.

I just... can't wait for all of this to be over so we can just do normal stuff together all the time.

♪ ♪ (voiceover): So Maddison is my middle daughter.

She's six, and she's in a pre-adoptive home now.

And I'm going to trial to fight her getting adopted, and try to have her placed home with me.

I think I have a pretty good shot.

The only reason she would get adopted is if they terminated my parental rights with her, but the judge already said in pre-trial conferences that DCF doesn't really have grounds to terminate my rights, so, I don't think that's gonna happen.

So it does make sense to have some stuff ready for Maddy, and so I thought I would pick out stuff that might fit her, and then donate the rest of it.

And just get rid of stuff they've outgrown.

(breathlessly): I did it.

I can feel the sweat dripping down my back.

Huh?

That's how we deter the boys at the meetings, yeah.

♪ ♪ REBECCA: I don't see anybody.

JANIS: No, I don't.

Just hanging out.

REBECCA: It's a male bag.

There we go-- hand warmers, Chapstick, hat, gloves.

Toothbrush, toothpaste.

MAN: Thank you so much.

REBECCA: We've been looking for you-- hat, gloves, hand warmers, toothbrush, toothpaste, backpack.

JANIS: Oh, my God, I can't, I think the temperature's dropping.

REBECCA: Yeah.

JANIS: I wasn't as cold earlier.

REBECCA: No.

JANIS: Does she need anything?

REBECCA: Hi!

Come meet us over here.

I'm gonna give you some hat and gloves and stuff.

JANIS: What's her name?

REBECCA: Jen, I wanna say.

Where are you staying?

JENNY: The shelter.

REBECCA: Which one?

Queen?

Okay.

JENNY: Queen Street, yeah.

JANIS: Do you have a phone, Jen?

JENNY: 774-2812.

I just had the police here.

They took a report.

JANIS: They did a report?

JENNY: And now they got a warrant for her arrest.

REBECCA: Who was it?

JENNY: I don't know.

I know that it's Nate's girlfriend, they're from... And she grabbed my coffee, and then chucked it at my face.

I had to change my shirt, I had coffee, as you can see, all over me.

And then she decked me twice in the face, I'm bleeding out, cops came.

JANIS: So do you need anything right now?

REBECCA: This has, like, hand warmers, hat.

JANIS: I can run down.

REBECCA: Chapstick.

REBECCA: We're gonna get you a coffee too, okay?

JANIS: Yeah, you gonna be working over, you gonna stay over here now?

JENNY: Yeah, I'm gonna be at the corner till he's done.

JANIS: Yeah, is that a sweatshirt?

JENNY: No, my sweatshirt is covered in blood, so.

JANIS: I mean, do you, well this is a medium.

Will this, do you wanna try this out?

JENNY: Yeah, my jacket's soaked.

REBECCA: Aw.

JENNY: Oh, you're amazing, honey, thank you.

JANIS: But these probably will fit you.

JENNY: Oh, these are cute.

JANIS: Those are cute, right?

JENNY: Yeah, I can get 'em over my bubble butt.

REBECCA: Yup.

JANIS: And you know what?

What kind of coffee do you want?

JENNY: Medium, extra cream and extra sugar.

REBECCA: Hot?

Okay.

JENNY: Yeah, thank you.

REBECCA: And then put this in your bag, too.

So we'll go get you a coffee and come right back.

JANIS: We'll come back, okay?

JENNY: Good to see you, Rebecca.

REBECCA: Yes, I'll see you in a minute.

JANIS: Okay.

JENNY: Thank you, sweetie.

REBECCA: We're buying Jennifer a coffee right now.

We just gave her a sweatsuit.

Um, if she wanted something to eat, we would buy her something to eat.

But when we give people money, like, that could be the bag of dope that she buys that kills her.

Because, like, I was very creative when I was using, and I would convince my mother, um, that I needed money for this, or for that.

When, in her heart, she wanted to believe me, but it was really money so I could just go get high.

JANIS: Right, you know, my daughter wanted ten dollars from me once.

I'd do anything, but not give her money, and she wouldn't, she didn't end up talking to me through two holidays, and that's what I was thinking about in particular, like Thanksgiving and Christmas.

That was, you know, something I had to put my foot down finally, and, you know, in the end, she always knew she could come back to me.

I used to be pretty pissed off.

REBECCA: Yeah.

JANIS: I used to be like, I thought it was like, angry, about it.

I was like a kind person, and like why did this happen?

Like, I took it personally, like why did this happen to me?

Like, why did God do this?

But then I just looked at it as, sometimes you go through (muted) for a reason.

REBECCA: Yup.

JANIS: We were coming back, we just got tied up on something.

Okay, yeah, that's good.

There's wipies in there.

REBECCA: Oh, good!

Yay.

JENNY: Got the hot chocolate off my face.

REBECCA: Oh, good.

JANIS: Because we weren't sure.

A lot of people helped put those together for us.

REBECCA: So if you want help in any way, like, you know, Clean Slate, whatever it is.

We're here.

That's what we do.

And we'll help someone umpteen times.

You know, I checked into detox 150 times.

You know?

JANIS: Imagine that.

Like, I just, I just kept trying, you know?

Okay?

JANIS: Okay?

JENNY: Thank you, Rebecca.

REBECCA: Yes, you're welcome.

- Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.

- You're a sweetheart.

- And your little guy is gonna want you around, you know?

- I know.

That just... - So.

JENNY (voice breaking): Sore subject.

REBECCA: I know it is, I know.

I, listen, I couldn't change for my kids.

You know?

JENNY: I figured seeing him would make it different.

And it didn't.

REBECCA: Yeah.

JENNY: You know?

JANIS: You know, I'm not in recovery, but I'm a parent of someone in recovery, and I'm probably in recovery from the whole experience myself, yeah.

JENNY: My mom needs to talk to somebody like you.

JANIS: Yeah, well have her call me-- you have my number.

She calls and leaves me a message, I'll call her back.

Believe me, I've been there.

You know?

Okay?

REBECCA: Yes, okay.

You're worth this, okay?

JENNY: Thank you.

REBECCA: So whenever you're ready, you call me.

- Thank you.

- Okay?

And don't, like, if you are gonna use, use in safety.

Meaning, like, make sure someone else is there.

Because, like, unfortunately what happened with Amanda last night, like, when we use alone, you put yourself at a risk, so it's important, you know, that you use with someone else, and only one of you go first.

Okay, because I don't want to hear that about you.

- Right.

- Okay.

JENNY: I'll meet you down Burger King, honey.

I'll meet you down Burger King.

♪ ♪ REBECCA: I got married very young.

I had my son at 18, got married at 19, and bought our first house at 20, and then had my daughter at 21.

And I was a professional, you know, I had my house, my children, a job.

You know, I had everything.

But then I was in a car accident, which led to an Oxycontin prescription.

And for months, I was getting these Oxycontins.

And then I went back to the doctor, and he said, "You don't need these anymore, so we're gonna cut you off from them."

So I started buying them out on the street, and next thing you know was, like, my beginning process of going into detox.

I remember my first time checking into detox and I'm sitting, like, way in the back, and there was this woman, and she stood up there, and she talked about, like how she did everything, everything.

Her addiction took over her entire life, and prostitution, and being homeless, and not being in her kid's life.

And I swear to god, I crossed my arms, said, "That would never effing be me."

And you know what?

12 years later, that woman's story became my story.

My children really went through the ringer, and they had every right to not want anything to do with me, and it was no longer like, "I'm sorry, I'm gonna do it."

It was action, like, I had to show them that consistency and be there.

And, you know, now today, I'm available for them emotionally, mentally, physically, monetary, all those things that I couldn't be when I was actively using.

BRIDGET: How many mothers are in the room?

Most of us.

We get salty because we're doing everything in our power, and we can't even get more than an hour with our children.

We're not wrong to feel that way for that moment.

Because we're human.

But a lot of us have had some kind of resentment.

We're born nurturers.

BRIDGET: Yes!

And getting in recovery was hard for me to separate the nurturing part as being that mother, being that caretaker, being that, how do I separate that and care for myself?

Now that took years.

They kept saying I had to focus on me, I gotta get me in order to get them.

That sounds good, but how am I gonna do it?

Because my emotions was all over the place, you know?

Like, the loss of my children, the loss, my children, my home was my security.

It gave me a purpose of what part I play in this life.

Coming in and cleaning up while mine is somewhere else.

It messed with my head for the longest time.

Thank you, thank you.

CHRISTINE: I find myself jealous, sometimes, of other people that are getting their kids back in recovery, and it's super invalidating when you have people not acknowledging things that you've done, work that you've done on yourself, but I think it's important at the end of the day, if I notice myself being super jealous, to kind of validate myself at the end of the day.

I'm the only person that can do that, you know?

If I'm looking for validation, for things I've achieved, and changes I've made in myself from other people, you know, I'm setting up an expectation a lot of people don't ever get.

BRIDGET: Absolutely.

♪ ♪ CHRISTINE (voiceover): Justin, my youngest daughter Chloe's father, had very much the same things on his service plan that I had.

And then eventually he stopped doing those things, and my daughter was placed with him, even though he stopped doing what was on his service plan.

I do all those same things on my service plan.

I never disengaged from services.

I still do drug tests and breathalyzers weekly.

I still go to therapy, I have a psychiatrist, I go to recovery groups, I go to meetings, I work with my sponsor, I work with a recovery coach.

I do commitments at detoxes.

I volunteer in my community for different organizations and stuff, and despite doing all these things, people still just kinda tell me, "Oh, well we don't think you're really there yet."

For my case, a lot of it is just stigma.

Not even just stigma from me being in recovery, but also mental health stigma, because for years I had suicide attempts.

People look at that pattern in my history and think, "Oh, she's never gonna change."

That does a disservice to me and the work that I've done on myself, because if you're going to work hard on yourself, and you're gonna change things, and then never be reunified with your family or never treated like you're better, then what's, kind of, what's the point?

I'm Christine.

So grab whatever you need, anything.

You see stuff for kids, you need stuff for your kids, grab it, take it.

WOMAN: I need a six.

Four, five, six.

He's got long arms.

CHRISTINE: Do you need kids' stuff?

Blankets?

Do you need bedding or anything?

WOMAN: Nope, nope.

CHRISTINE: There's also hats.

WOMAN: I might grab a hat.

CHRISTINE: Yeah, grab a couple.

WOMAN: Okay!

(laughs) CHRISTINE: You want sweaters?

Do you need a bag?

This one's bigger, the orange one is, like, really small.

VOLUNTEER: You guys can take as much stuff as you guys want; load up, load up, load up.

WOMAN: We can't, I'm homeless-- ain't nowhere to put it.

JUSTINE: And you haven't been able to get any advocates to help you?

I mean, people advocate for me, but it's, like, it's to no avail.

Like, they just, it's the stigma.

- Yeah.

- It's so bad.

JUSTINE: No, trust me and believe me.

I know.

CHRISTINE: We're pushing, like, five years of my case open.

You know, I've always done what's on my plan, what they tell me to do.

When I finish it, they tack more on.

Then I do that, then I'm done, and then they tack more on, and then I do that.

My kids were supposed to come home a couple of years ago.

I was with my ex, and one day we had this all-out blowout fight.

Um, he was like on top of me, choking me.

I bit him to get him off of me.

He told me, "Oh, don't say anything to DCF "about, like, us fighting or anything.

Just say it didn't work out."

Because if you have domestic violence, they can terminate your rights.

So he tells me to be quiet, and calls the worker and says, "She bit me for no reason.

She's crazy."

I kept quiet about it.

They gave my daughter to him.

And it's just this never-ending, like, I almost can see my kids aging out of the system before they ever come home, so.

You know, but... JUSTINE: That doesn't make any sense to me though.

I know.

Aw, this is cute.

It's a ten.

CHLOE (voiceover): One... Two... Three... Four... Five... Six...

Seven.

JUSTIN: Seven, good job counting.

CHLOE: I'm a great counter.

JUSTIN: You are a great counter.

CHLOE: And a great singer.

JUSTIN: You're a great singer?

Would you like to... what do you want to sing for us?

CHLOE: ♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪ ♪ A, K, K... ♪ JUSTIN: ♪ H, I... ♪ CHLOE: ♪ Uh, Ace, I... ♪ JUSTIN: J... CHLOE: I hate that song.

(Justin laughs) I can't do that song.

Earthquake!

JUSTIN: Candyland-- so you can go first.

Two oranges.

JUSTIN: Two orange.

No, I get two oranges.

Remember?

(moving game piece) One.

JUSTIN: Hey, this is one.

You're right here.

CHLOE: One, two.

JUSTIN: Two blues-- one, two.

- Two blues.

- Oh, you can't move.

Because there's only one blue left.

So you have to stay right there.

(Chloe groans) (Justin chuckles) CHLOE: I will break this table.

JUSTIN: No, we don't do that, honey.

I hate losing!

(cries) JUSTIN: Come here.

CHLOE: I don't want to lose!

- Come here.

- No!

I want to win.

Because I never win this game in five weeks.

JUSTIN: It's okay-- sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose.

CHLOE: I hate losing.

JUSTIN: I know you do.

But sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose.

It's just the way things happen sometimes.

(phone ringing out) JUSTIN (over phone): Hello?

CHRISTINE: Hey.

What's, uh, what did her teacher say?

JUSTIN (over phone): Yesterday, she got a little emotional.

Um, the teacher gave her a couple warnings, because they were fighting over markers.

They were working on a little workbook, and she actually like, she didn't rip the workbook.

She actually bit it, and ripped the top off of the worksheet.

Really?

(laughs) JUSTIN: Yeah.

CHRISTINE: I shouldn't laugh, because that's not funny at all, but.

Like, if we could figure out what that last feeling is for her before she hits anger, and kind of point it out to her so that, like, she's very self-aware and can know, like, "Oh, I'm getting really upset.

Like, now would be a good time (laughing): to calm down," you know?

But she has done a lot better recently.

I would agree that, in general, it's better.

JUSTIN: Another thing, too, that she's done a lot recently.

I told, like, her therapist, and I told the court evaluator, too, that, like, she's asked a lot more about visits, like, with you.

CHRISTINE: That's cute.

JUSTIN: So I told, like, told all them that.

CHRISTINE: That's good.

That's stuff I want them to know that, like, it's not one-sided, you know?

Me missing them.

You know, they look for me regularly.

It's nice when other people can, like, reiterate to them, like, yeah, this is a regular thing they're talking about, and... All right.

Gotta get going.

(soft chuckle) JUSTIN: All right, have a good day.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate it.

JUSTIN: Bye.

CHRISTINE: Bye.

(hangs up) ♪ ♪ (Hunter playfully muttering) HUNTER: Why do you have clay masks?

CHRISTINE: Um, so we can get our self-care on, and... ...and rejuvenate, and detox, and clear pores.

HUNTER: And not get pimples like Mom.

CHRISTINE: That's right, we avoid that.

HUNTER: Because Mom's pimples are huge!

CHRISTINE: They're massive!

HUNTER: You got one as big as your head.

CHRISTINE: It's looking at you!

(Hunter laughs) I have a review tomorrow.

A six month review.

And they kind of always go the same.

People say that I'm making a lot of progress, but I'm just "not quite there" yet.

And I've always done what's on my service plan, but they never end up changing my goal with the department back to reunification.

It's frustrating to me because about a month or so ago, I walked into the DCF office, and Maddison had told me, "Oh, Emma lives with me now."

And I was really confused, and somebody who transports them to my visits had pulled me aside and said that Emma was pulled from her dad's house, and that he was, um, being charged with neglect, and that my social worker would be by to tell me more about it later.

When my social worker came, she put me and Emma in a room together, and let Emma kind of tell me herself what had gone on.

And Emma explained to me, in, like, graphic detail, witnessing her dad overdose, seeing him high.

It was very, like, chilling, watching her explain to me through her eyes what she saw and... Emma had been saying during my supervised visits, for months, um... ...that things were going on at his house, and he was being abusive, and he wasn't kind to her.

He used to laugh at her when she cried, and all kinds of terrible stuff.

So I brought it up at a big meeting, where I knew people from Boston were coming in to review our case, and I figured, oh, maybe there's fresh ears.

And they were concerned, and sent an investigator over that same day to her dad's house.

And he admitted to abusing her when the investigator came.

So I expected them to pull her that day, and they never did.

I said, "Why?"

And they said, "Well, he has a lot "of services in place, so lots of people see Emma, "and lots of people see her in his home, "so people are consistently, you know, running into her, "and so if something bad were to happen, "you know, people would know about it, between her school, her therapist," you know, something like that.

And it's like, really?

Like, why couldn't we apply the same logic to me?

That if I have all these services, and I'm working with all these different people who would come and see us and check on us, why couldn't you send them home, and then just have those services keep an eye on us?

Or DCF could come and keep an eye on us, or come sit with us, or check on us whenever.

And it's funny how that logic doesn't apply to me.

And it only applied to her dad.

It does drastically change my case, though, because now instead of just Maddison being at risk of being adopted out, now both Emma and Maddison can be adopted out.

So I would have little to no contact with them until they turned 18.

And the only one I could really consistently see out of the girls is Chloe, my youngest.

♪ ♪ JANIS (chuckling): Today, I hope we have no excitement.

REBECCA: I know.

Some days there's more excitement than others.

JANIS: Yeah, I know.

REBECCA: Hi!

JULIE: How was Florida?

You look all tan, you (bleep)!

Get me a bed today.

REBECCA: Okay.

JULIE: At Washburn!

I've been calling every day!

REBECCA: Oh, you have?

JULIE: Yeah, no bed.

REBECCA: Yeah, yeah.

JULIE: I have to go to Washburn.

JANIS: So Julie, if you want, why don't you meet us over there?

Cause I'm gonna back up.

JULIE: Yeah, and we'll talk.

JANIS: I don't want to, like, just, I wanna do it carefully.

Be careful.

I don't want to hit you.

Sorry.

REBECCA: I just texted Nick over at Washburn.

And Nick thinks he'll have a bed.

Oh, I think this is Washburn.

Hi, this is Rebecca.

Good, how are you?

Okay.

We'll see you over there.

JANIS: Are they gonna wait for us?

REBECCA: Yeah.

JANIS: Oh, good.

She needs to get, like, off the street.

REBECCA: Okay, I'm gonna put her on.

Julie?

(car door closes) JULIE: Hi, how are you?

Like 2:30?

REBECCA: Okay.

JULIE: Oh, good.

JANIS: So you need eyeglasses.

Let me find out, because I know that, um... WOMAN: I had a pair of eyeglasses, but they broke.

JULIE: Yeah, I can wash my clothes there and everything?

Okay.

JANIS: So what do you have for insurance?

WOMAN: I think it's Standard MassHealth and Medicare.

JULIE: I'm not gonna be able to get back on my Suboxone now, he's saying.

REBECCA: Yeah, you will.

After the detox, you'll be able to, because you get a choice of methadone or Suboxone there.

So you're gonna choose the Suboxone, and then after your detox, then you get back on your Suboxone.

It's okay.

JULIE: Okay, so they're gonna put me on Suboxone, then detox on Suboxone.

They're gonna put me on the Subutex.

All right.

JANIS: So you said you have Standard, Mass... WOMAN: Standard MassHealth, and Medicare.

JANIS: Oh, and Medicare?

WOMAN: Yeah.

REBECCA: Hi.

She's just a little confused.

So she would do Subutex detox, after she completes detox, then she would go back on her Suboxone?

JANIS: Let me find out, because I know that there's eye doctors that take MassHealth, and they let you get a certain thing.

A certain kind.

WOMAN: I like your glasses.

Those are nice.

JANIS: And I'll call, and I'll let you know.

REBECCA: New beginnings.

JULIE: New beginnings.

Start on the right track.

REBECCA: Yes, yes.

JULIE: Thanks, Rebecca.

Thank you guys.

REBECCA: Keep fighting the good fight, girl.

JULIE: Thank you.

REBECCA: Call me at 2:00.

JANIS: Yay, Julie.

REBECCA: Yay!

JANIS: Okay, bye, Julie.

Take care.

See you!

REBECCA: All right!

Bye!

Talk to you at 2:00!

JANIS: (groans) It's cold!

CHRISTINE: So I had a foster care review on my three-year anniversary for my sobriety.

And the reviewers that come from Boston for DCF reviewed my case and said there isn't a just reason for my kids to be in foster care anymore, and changed my goal with the department to reunification instead of adoption.

So, I'm trying to gut my apartment.

(chuckles) And make room for them.

When I went for the review, I did, like, a lot of meditating first, and I typically do, because it's tough to listen to people talk about your case and your progress and put this negative light on it when you're doing really well.

So I kind of, like, radically accepted that it probably wasn't gonna go how I wanted it to, and I was even making jokes to my friends and to my sponsor that I'll probably come back for another review on my four-year anniversary, and maybe they'll make me come back on my five-year anniversary, and we'll still be doing this, so it was, like, very surreal.

Um... them deciding to change everything.

I kind of, like, didn't believe it at first, and then it hit me when I walked out of the building, and I just sobbed, and... ...which was pretty wild.

(typing) (phone vibrates) REBECCA: Hi, Julie.

JULIE (over phone): Hi!

REBECCA: Hi!

It's so good to see you!

JULIE: I feel like a million bucks!

REBECCA: You look awesome.

JULIE: Last time you saw me, I was homeless, not talking to my family, um... ...a lot of bad people around me, um, hopeless, you know.

Um, crying all the time.

Um, angry and sad with life, you know?

Today, I have a great relationship with the father of my kids.

I'm co-parenting peacefully.

I see the kids a lot.

Um, I got the new teeth.

Um, I got my license back.

REBECCA: Whoo, whoo!

JULIE: Like, it's just amazing.

Amazing.

Like, I can't even begin to tell you how much good has happened to me in the past five months.

You know, I put my parents through a lot, you know?

And my kids a lot.

And I don't want to do it again.

You know, I wanna sustain this.

You know?

I wanna beat this disease.

I'm better than this, you know?

REBECCA: Yes you are, and you're doing it.

That's great.

And how, like, unselfish of you, you know?

To think of, like, your loved ones on your decision.

Because I understand, it's not easy to make that decision.

JULIE: I really, truly wanna do the next right thing.

REBECCA: So proud of you.

JULIE: Thank you!

I'm gonna go call my daughter, all right?

REBECCA: Awesome!

All right, love you.

JULIE: Love you, too!

Bye!

REBECCA: Bye!

♪ ♪ JANIS: Hi, Blanca.

BLANCA: Hi.

JANIS: How are you?

What's going on?

Nice to see you.

BLANCA: You too.

So what's happening?

BLANCA: Oh, I got hurt.

JANIS: What happened?

You get assaulted?

BLANCA: Yeah, my head hit the concrete.

JANIS: Holy moly.

BLANCA: And I got knocked out and they just kept hitting me.

JANIS: That's terrible.

I know, you look like you're a little stiff there.

BLANCA: Oh, I am.

REBECCA: You wanna try to go today?

BLANCA: Yes.

REBECCA: Yeah?

BLANCA: I'm gonna have to, like, go to the liquor store and get myself a shot.

At least before I go.

JANIS: You're gonna stay here?

I'll just go buy a shot, I don't mind buying a shot.

I won't buy anyone drugs.

But I'd buy you a shot.

REBECCA: Okay.

REBECCA: So glad to see you.

BLANCA: You got a nice color.

REBECCA: Thank you.

OPERATOR (over phone): Thank you for calling Spectrum Health Systems Inpatient Admissions.

All agents are assisting previous callers.

JANIS: You know what's funny, I called Michelle's personal phone, but she was at work.

SPECTRUM AGENT (over phone): Thank you for calling Spectrum.

REBECCA: Hi, I was calling for a female bed.

AGENT: Okay.

We're actually all booked right now with females.

We could add you to the wait list?

REBECCA: Okay, she's right here.

AGENT: Okay.

REBECCA: Do you wanna talk with her?

AGENT: Sure.

REBECCA: Okay, thank you-- Blanca, it's Spectrum.

JANIS: They're gonna talk to you.

BLANCA: Hello?

AGENT: Hello?

BLANCA: Yes?

AGENT: Hi, right now we're actually all booked.

Can I add you to our wait list?

BLANCA: Yes, you can.

AGENT: All right.

What's your name?

BLANCA: Blanca Ortega.

AGENT: What's your date of birth?

BLANCA: 12/2/80.

REBECCA: Blanca?

BLANCA: I don't have a number.

REBECCA: No, no Blanca, give them my phone number.

Give them, yeah.

AGENT: Can I call you back?

BLANCA: I'll give you... REBECCA: You can give her my number.

BLANCA: I'll give you a friend of the family's.

REBECCA: Hello?

AGENT: Okay, it's okay.

REBECCA: Okay, 774.

AGENT: Yeah.

64, 640.

AGENT: Yeah.

REBECCA: And I'll go looking for her if a bed becomes available, because she's homeless.

AGENT: Okay, you'll hear from us today.

Try to call back tomorrow morning starting at 7:00.

JANIS: I didn't see you drink it.

REBECCA: Thanks, bye-bye.

JANIS: So you'll be, like, around here?

BLANCA: Yeah, I'll be definitely here.

JANIS: If she gets the phone call?

BLANCA: And then I'll be there.

VOLUNTEER: Or you could take my number.

REBECCA: Oh, awesome.

My name's Rebecca.

VOLUNTEER: Okay.

REBECCA: We've been helping Blanca for a while now, all right?

So when they call me, I've been leaving my number.

I'll call you.

VOLUNTEER: Okay.

REBECCA: All right?

Thank you so much.

Oh, let me show you Julie real quick.

BLANCA: Oh yeah!

Show me Julie.

Oh my god!

REBECCA: I know!

You're lying!

REBECCA: That's recovery, Blanca!

BLANCA: I'm gonna cry!

I'm gonna cry.

REBECCA: I know!

BLANCA: Tell her I'm proud of her.

REBECCA: Yes, I will.

BLANCA (crying): That's where I wanna be.

REBECCA: Did it unfreeze, okay.

BLANCA: Oh my god.

REBECCA: And I show you to let you know that, like, recovery's possible, right?

BLANCA: Yes.

Tell her I'm proud of her.

REBECCA: Look at the transformation.

BLANCA: I couldn't be no prouder of anyone else but her.

She deserves every bit of it.

REBECCA: Look at my goosebumps, and it's 90 degrees.

BLANCA: That's how beautiful she's become.

Well, she's always been that beautiful, but now she just noticed it.

It just came out of her.

REBECCA: Yeah.

The recovery.

BLANCA: Oh my god.

REBECCA: The process.

BLANCA: That's so beautiful.

REBECCA: I'm gonna tell her that I showed you.

BLANCA: Tell her, tell her I even... Tell her I'm so proud of her.

REBECCA: I will.

BLANCA: Tell her these are happy tears.

REBECCA: Yes, yes, yes.

And all we can do is just keep trying, you know?

That's it.

BLANCA: I'm never gonna give up.

REBECCA: Yeah, I know, you're a strong, beautiful woman, and you're a fighter.

You're a warrior, and we're gonna keep trying.

Right?

JANIS: I'll see you later.

REBECCA: See you later.

JANIS: It's not goodbye, it's see you later.

REBECCA: Bye!

I love you!

JANIS: Take care!

Love you too!

BLANCA: Hugs and kisses!

Love you guys.

REBECCA: All right, be safe.

BLANCA: Bye Lisa, bye Rebecca!

REBECCA: Bye, Blanca!

JANIS: There it is, I got it!

REBECCA: See you later!

BLANCA: Make sure you guys come get me once a bed opens.

REBECCA: Absolutely.

BLANCA: I need it.

REBECCA: Okay.

CHRISTINE: That's Emma.

She is the most resilient girl I've ever known.

When I got pregnant with Emma, I was 18, and her dad was horribly upset that I wanted to keep her.

Within two weeks of learning that I was pregnant with her, the fighting with her dad was just so bad.

The day that I decided to leave him, he violently assaulted me.

(sighs) And hit my stomach, and attempted to, you know, assault me to the point where she just wouldn't make it.

He had been in and out of prison for most of her life for drug related things, other domestic violence incidents.

And so he didn't know her.

He didn't, you know, have a relationship with her.

But DCF decided to give him visits, and then, you know, within six months, they moved her to his house.

Emma would come to my supervised visits in the DCF office and would disclose that he was abusing her at home.

She had broken blood vessels on her neck in the shape of, like, a hand print.

He did openly admit to abusing her, grabbing her neck, and then they never took her from his house.

They left her there.

And then in December, he overdosed on heroin in front of her, and she did get taken from his house over that.

She has, um, PTSD.

You know, vivid flashbacks of him, and just all around, emotionally, she's just having a hard time day-to-day.

It's just really difficult seeing... ...my story kind of play out for her the same way.

It's eerily similar.

When I talk to her, I think of myself like talking to, like, a little Chrissy.

Like, what did I wanna hear when nobody would listen to me, and I couldn't get help?

I would've liked to have heard when I was little (voice breaking): that what happened to me was real, and that I did deserve safety.

It's a generation later.

People that have the resources to help her, people that have the resources to keep her safe, and by right, should be doing that, and they're not.

EMMA: I love you, Mama.

CHRISTINE: I love you, baby.

You haven't gotten what you've deserved over the years, and I'm so sorry, Emma.

But I can tell you that I'm just working my hardest to make it better for you, and that one day, we will have a real family Christmas, and we will be together.

I love you so very much, Emma.

And know that, like, all day every day, I'm fighting for you as hard as I possibly can, and I'm never giving up.

Never.

We're getting there.

You're doing a great job, and I'm so very proud of you.

You're so much stronger than I would've been if I'd been in your shoes.

You make me so proud every single day.

I love you, baby.

Take care of yourself today.

Relax, lay around, do things for you that make you happy.

Love you, baby.

Bye.

I need a (muted) cigarette.

(sniffling) (sighs) Yup.

♪ ♪ It's funny, my counselor, like, probably the greatest thing he ever taught me in sobriety is that when you first get into recovery, you have to move from shame to guilt to self-forgiveness, and that you really can't make it if you don't forgive yourself for the things that you did, and poor decisions that you made.

So you have to accept them, and get to the fact that yeah, I did make poor decisions, and then be okay with that, and kind of move on, and just learn from them, and continue to make better decisions in the future based off of what you learned.

It took me a while to find a healthy balance, and to learn how to manage my emotions myself, and not rely on external things to fill that hole for me.

And it's great that that's second nature to me now, and people do recover, and get to that point where you're not reliant on something damaging to "fix" your problems, and you can take care of, you know, your emotions and your problems yourself.

So it's nice to be on the other side.

(indistinct chatter) MADDISON: When does it start?

CHRISTINE: Soon.

(indistinct chatter) CHRISTINE: So when I made this piece, I was exploring how art relates to my recovery, and really, I used art as a coping mechanism through, you know, stigma, people not believing me, all the hard parts of this journey.

Um, so I wanted to really think about all the negative aspects that come with, like, addiction, and active addiction, and symbolically wanted to tie it into how, you know, there's some struggles, and some things that you think are lost, or that you can't build something new with, and you absolutely can.

As evidenced by these fine children here today.

MADDISON: I think the trash is, like, how we were taken away, and everything was a problem, and you were alone, and you tried getting us back, but it wouldn't work, and then, well, everything that's growing, like everything that was fixed, was getting us back finally, and us, you know, all that stuff.

CHRISTINE: That's exactly what I was going for.

You're so smart.

WOMAN: Thank you, everyone.

Welcome to Women Strong Recovery.

Christine, can we get a big round of applause?

(cheers and applause) CHRISTINE: Hi, I'm Christine.

I'm a person in long-term recovery.

And I wanted to share my story with you today, 'cause I think it's important to discuss stigma that people in recovery face, yup.

Particularly parents.

In 2016, I had started my recovery journey.

I struggled with severe alcoholism, I went to, you know, meetings and did all these kinds of things, and nothing was really sticking for me.

And it wasn't until I got attached to my community that I was really able to lean on others for support, and pull days together.

But the hardest part for me was battling to get custody of my kids back.

Let me tell you, it was the longest battle ever.

Um, it took me over six years.

A lot of people just didn't take my recovery seriously, and told me so.

You know, my social worker at one point had told me that my recovery was a sham.

That statistically, I could not stay sober.

I would not be sober.

My kids would never come home, and if I was a good mother, I would let someone adopt them that had the ability to be a good parent.

Yeah, yup.

I fought for a really long time, felt like I didn't have hope.

Had to hotspot it, if you will.

And really, like, leaned on art, and my community, and somehow I made it.

My kids are here today, yeah!

(cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) Thank you.

♪ ♪ No, you do it.

You do it.

WOMAN: (gasps) Oh!

CHRISTINE: All right, ready?

Let's share some perfume.

You wanna smell?

(gasps): It's cherry blossom!

Ready?

What's your favorite part?

I'm curious.

We helped her with the clouds!

REBECCA: Show me which ones you helped with.

CHRISTINE: Beautiful.

MADDISON: You did it!

CHLOE: ♪ Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I got my freedom ♪ WOMAN: You did a really great job.

CHRISTINE: Thank you.

♪ ♪ ♪ Be what you're gonna be ♪ ♪ In freedom ♪ CHRISTINE: I love you.

Little peanut.

Little baby.

CHLOE: Can we go yet?

CHRISTINE: (laughs) We're getting there.

We're thinking about getting ice cream.

CHLOE: Yay!

♪ Freedom, freedom ♪ ♪ Got my freedom.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪